walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
