it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
