Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
