My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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