Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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