Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
