So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
