When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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