After last night, I could never be a politician.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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