I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
