I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
