At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
