If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
