she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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