Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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