Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
