I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
