I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
