So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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