At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
