Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
