Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
