I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
