Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
