you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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