Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
