just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
