saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
