Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
