"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
