Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
