I think my fart just growled at me.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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