so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize