I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
