My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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