Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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