Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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