so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
