you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
