i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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