Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
