Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
