Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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