there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize