Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
