All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
