1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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