why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
