Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
