I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
