it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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