My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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