I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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