Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
