I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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