our cab driver is having phone sex.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
