im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
