Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
