Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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